The Poonami: A Total Shit Storm

Let me set the scene! It was tough but you put your face on threw your hair into some kind of style. Picked out your best boots and chose an adorable outfit for your cute side kick. Operation meet the Yummy Mummy’s has begun!

It’s all going well. Conversation flowing, coffee ordering went smoothly ‘yes I will have a slim, vendi  latte, not to much foam, hazelnut twist’ brilliant, nailed it! I am a sophisticated yummy mummy, I can pull this off. Or so I thought! 

Striking up empathetic conversation with the mum next to me, bouncing Pudding on on my knee. Casually sipping at perfectly ordered, tasteless coffee. Inside I am doing cartwheels. I have this mothering shit down, nothing can stop me now. Nothing except that ominous tummy rumble from Pudding. Followed by the long juicy sound of a deposit being made in her clean nappy. Balls! Then comes the obnoxious aroma – why did I let that baby eat some of my curry last night?!!! Oh no is that a slight damp patch on my leg…

Of course the small one is grinning, waving her arms and bouncing. Don’t bounce like that, something bad will happen. Too late one huge bounce and I can feel moisture on my hands. Horrified I look down… Yep it’s a level 5 disaster. Action stations we have a Poonami!! 

Don’t panic, I tell myself, we can handle this. Scoop up Pudding, grab nappy bag and walk confidently to the changing room. 

OH my fucking Christ. That smells awful. I Start to peel off layers. There is shit everywhere, literally everywhere. It’s all over my hands and right up to the Puddings arm pits. Peel off all clothes, contemplate saving them, then just chuck them in the bin. Wet wipes are not going to cut it. You child are going in the sink! 

Thank god for huge muslins. Wrap a now screeching Pudding up and sit her on the floor on top of a freshly cleaned changing mat. Of course whilst my back is turned she quickly removes herself from the Muslim and proceeds to parade stark naked round the questionably hygienic baby change. Frantically scrabble in the changing bag to find a replacement out fit… Meanwhile misses has pulled herself up on the sanitary towel bin and is attempting to force open the lid. 

Hooray baby gro and nappy found. Wrestle on the floor with her majesty whilst she screams blue murder about not getting into the sanitary bin. Tuck her under my arm as I attempt to wipe poo off of every surface. Except I didn’t realise that she has some on her hands… Gross and made even worse as she waves at me in the mirror and proceeds to wipe it all through my freshly washed hair. Before taking that exact moment to vomit down my top. I mean seriously this kid never vomits… Probably the bugs she has just picked up from the floor/sanitary bin! 

Slink out of bathroom smelling of cheesey milk and poo… Contemplate going back to the table and finishing my coffee. Nope not now, I can’t face it. Red faced and smelling like a bin lorry I  head back to the car. This is one Poonami I want to put behind me!

11 thoughts on “The Poonami: A Total Shit Storm”

  1. Oh, the dreaded poonami! My daughter did a cracker of a poo tonight – it was so huge that her nappy was sagging out of her onesie and it soaked through and onto my leg. You know when you have your child in the bath and you go, “Wait…I can still smell poo.” – then you realise it’s you? That. #EatSleepBlogRT

  2. Oh that sounds dreadful but you really made me laugh!! We had something similar but with a three year old with an upset tummy , in the middle of a wood with no wipes and no change of clothes! Utter disaster!!! All I can say is, thank god for leaves!! #eatsleepblogrt

  3. #eatsleepblogrt I feel like I’m traumatised just from reading this…I have so many pointless questions but the main one is this deserves a drink. Did you have one? (Not taking latte)

  4. Haha!! I had to laugh out loud and virtually hug you at the same time!! Why do they pick these time? Why do all other babies seem to be sat perfectly when they do this? 😀 #EatSleepBLOGRT

  5. Oh my, what a bad one for sure — I mean a coffee left alone, unsipped whilst covered in yuck! By the time your little is, say 5, you’ll be pickking up poo with your bare hands, unphased. For now, your hoave my utter empathy, antibacterial soap, and a hug from across the pond! <3 #EatSleepBlogRT

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *