Parenting: The Bad & The Downright Disgusting

So you knew parenting would have good and bad bits right? But I bet you didn’t realise that it would at times just be downright grim! Of course you have seen the cutesy milestone cards ‘babies first smile’, ‘babies first wave’ ahhhhh. I expect someone brought those for your baby shower. Lovely little present for a Mum to be who is so full of hope and glowing with happiness. If you are a bit more cynical (like me) you may have seen the ‘alternative’ milestone cards; ‘first time baby wee’d in your face’ , ‘exploded nappy, shit to the armpits’ – yep they are pretty funny. In fact they almost make you take those rose-tinted glasses off.

TawnyNina / Pixabay

Oh ho ho ho I can hear you saying. Surely this post has been done to death? Everyone knows parenting is a hard and often thankless task… Yep it is, no news there. Not exactly an epiphany moment! Well this is the bad and the downright disgusting from a mother of two and a nurse to over 2000 babies. You ain’t seen nothing yet my friends…

The Bad;

  • Early mornings – I hate getting out of bed. I never have been a morning person. Children do NOT facilitate lie ins. Whether they are 3 days, 3 months, 3 years or 13 years. These pumped up duracell bunnies are up and at’em every morning. Unlike adults they don’t start the day gently with a coffee and a piece of toast. No No its light sabers at dawn…
GooKingSword / Pixabay
  • The noise – kids scream and they whine, babies cry and when they aren’t doing either of those they are still very LOUD! They talk loud, they sing loud and they play loud. They have a collection of noisy, irritating toys which play the same tinny melody over and over. Saying that silence is suspicious, very suspicious…
  • Twenty questions – yep so kids ask questions to learn. Unfortunately they will ask the same question 15 times in 10 minutes. Even if you answer it every single time, and explain your answer, they will continue to ask. Over and over and OVER like a monkey with a miniature cymbal. Until you are literally smoking from the ears. When they will turn round very innocently and say ‘you have said that Mummy’… Pass the GIN now!
stevepb / Pixabay
  • Food critics – have you ever spent hours cooking a meal to have it met with total disapproval? It is utterly soul-destroying. All those parenting books and magazines showing little darlings chomping happily. They lie. Most kids know if a vegetable has been secreted into a meal. They take one look at your culinary masterpiece, declare its disgusting without tasting it and fling it (or themselves) on the floor.
  • Refusing to sleep – argh this is the most frustrating thing. You know they are tired, be at the baby or the preschooler. Everyone will feel much better if they just have a little snooze. Will they sleep? Will they hell! You have rocked and shushed, made 2 drinks, tucked them in 10 times. But they are screaming, like a banshee. Repeat the above steps 5 times. Eventually they give in, you flick the kettle on for a quick brew. Before the damn thing has boiled they are awake again. Fully recharged, FML.
KManzela / Pixabay

The Downright Disgusting

  • Potty Poos – hooray you think we are in the potty training phase. No more disgusting nappies to deal with. My friend you are celebrating too soon. Because the one thing worse than a shitty nappy is having to scoop king kongs first dump of the day out of a potty. Shit is sticky, really sticky. It doesn’t just slide out and into the loo. It smears its way up the side, gets caught on the top and sits there like some hideous cake decoration. You can try to do the potty-skank to shake that bad boy off. But at the end of the day you know you are getting some loo roll and peeling it off. Usually with an accompanying wretching noise
  • Bogies, snot, dribble and slime – So your cute little baby has turned into a slightly sticky toddler. Usually excreting some kind of mucus out of one oraifice or another. Yummy. Worse still they insist on wiping this on you, on the sofa, the dog, the wall the floor and even the loo seat. Everytime you sit down there is a sticky wet patch to contend with. You look at the TV and the little darling has made a picture in the corner out of boogers. Whilst you try not to gag cleaning that delight up they are standing next to you raking those bogies out and eating them…
  • Germ Factories – all kids should come with a haz-mat label attached. They are literally crawling with bugs. Most don’t even seem to affect them for more than a day. But you catch little Timmy’s cold and you feel like you may have some kind of haemorrhagic fever. They also bring home some real delights like hand, foot and mouth. A virulent little bugger that has the whole family breaking out into tiny itchy blisters, a pox on all our houses. As for the infamous D & V well once your 2-year-old has come into the lounge said ‘Mummy’ and then promptly performed some kind of exorcist ritual over the washing airer you will know where I am coming from.
  • Eating – eurgh kids are such antisocial eaters. Worse than that chap in the pub who sprays crisps at you every time he says hello. Right off the bat they are grim. From newborn reflux all over your shoulder to weaning smoosh up the walls. Everything is half eaten. You put you hand down the side of the couch to find the remote to be greeted by a 4 day old half eaten banana covered in raisins. They eat with their mouth open, spray food out of their mouth and spit things they don’t like into your waiting hand.
tookapic / Pixabay
  • The licking phase – if you haven’t had this one yet you are in for a treat. Kids lick. Your arm, your face, the dog and these are the acceptablish things. It is not however; acceptable for them to lick shop windows, dried ketchup bottles at the cafe, the wheel of the car of the handle of the escalator (shudder). Besides being generally gross it is also exceptionally embarrassing to have to tell your child to stop licking things, you get some very odd looks…

There you have it – my list of The Bad and The Downright Disgusting bits of parenting. Would you agree? Have you got some other gems you would like to share?!

 

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Beware the WerePudding

Now I know that in ghost stories they say the witching hour is midnight. Some people think the spirits arise around 3am to camp out in creepy town. That this is when blood curdling screams rip through the air… Not so at Pudding HQ. Our witching hour(s) are 3-6pm. This is when the ear splitting shriek of the WerePudding can be heard.

It’s a terrifying sound that rises to a crescendo quite quickly. Once the fever has set in there is no turning back until the magical bath of bubbles is found once more; followed by the creamy elixir of Hipp. There are no silver bullets to slay the beast. The only cure should have been administered earlier on in the day in the form of a long uninterrupted sleep. But while the WerePudding’s fangs are still coming in, sleep is a rare commodity that is not often afforded during daylight hours…

WerePudding
geralt / Pixabay
Unfortunately the WerePudding is not restricted to the lunar cycle and she doesn’t give a monkey’s which phase the moon is in. Her primal desire is to find something suitable to gnaw on. Ideally human flesh (necks and fingers appear to be a staple). She is also partial to a giraffe… A WerePudding can be temporarily distracted by a parsnip or some such pureed substance. This is a short-term fix and will not halt the eventual appearance of a fully fledged monster.

There are no real warning signs before the turn. One minute there can be delightful giggles and then in a blink of an eye the beast is there. Fangs bared, frothing at the mouth and howling to the sky. You can attempt to ward off the creature with Bonjela or teething powders.  On occasion a well-timed dose of calpol has proved a useful weapon. But none are fool-proof, and it would be a mistake to rely on any one should you be trapped in a confined space with the WerePudding.

The WerePudding does respond to the call of her own. Should you place similarly afflicted babies in her presence she can usually ensure that they can all howl in unison. This means that any social activity is completely abandoned. Leaving the WerePudding’s mother home alone to deal with this tricky creature…

WerePudding


Monday, Monday

Screaming Seagull Face
It would appear that Pudding & Pie didn’t get the memo about today being a bank holiday. In fact I would go so far as to say they got the memo, ripped it into tiny pieces and then promptly ate it. I do kinda blame our neighbour who slammed the door so hard at 6.30am that it rattled through every house in the row. I guess they figured that as they had to be up for work on the bank holiday then the rest of us should suffer too, after all misery loves company right? If that is the case I  am quite tempted to go over and ring their door bell at 5am every morning until the end of time, But I digress…

So Pudding HQ is awake, even Mr Pudding couldn’t sleep through the noise this morning! Before leaping out of bed to deal with the situations in the room next door we take 2 minutes to hold conversation, uninterrupted:

Mr P: ‘Morning’

Me: ‘Clearly..’

(Snuggle in for a quick cuddle, making sure no one gets a mouthful of morning breath)

*Noise Level Rising*

(Sounds of Pie swipping a ‘wand’ through the air shouting ‘expelliarmus’, this later turns out to be an orange felt tip with no lid….)

Me: ‘We need a plan for today…’

Mr P: ‘I thought we could wander to the pub, have a few ciders, maybe play some pool….’

Me: ‘Oh that sounds great, we could grab some lunch, sit in the garden. Oooh and I quite fancy a game of darts’

*Noise starting to reach crescendo*

Me: Are you making coffee or dealing with wee?


Mr P: I will make coffee….

Me: Good choice, nobody would ever choose wee…

(Lay still for a minute listening to noise)

Me: Remember that pub in Whitechapel with the beer garden?

Mr P: The one where The Krays shot Jack the Hat?

Me: Ha ha Jack the Hat, only in the East End would somebody be called Jack the Hat! What was that pub called?

Mr P: The Blind Beggar – we had our first kiss there…


*wistful glances*

(Noise reaches defcon 4… With accompanying air raid siren howl)

Me: I miss London


*collective sigh*

The day has begun, two tired and slightly disgruntled parents slide out of bed…

Hope everyone enjoys their bank holiday!!

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