So you might be wondering how the exercise plan is going – no doubt you are ready to hear tales of how I have motivated myself to lose at least a pound or two… well no!
Really this site should be called fat bum won’t exercise… I have had my FitBit on which gives a surprising insight to how much walking I do. Considering I now spend most of the day in the car, I can still clock up 7000 steps most days. Of course that’s does not negate the fact that I eat burger for lunch almost every day. Add to this my excruciating back pain (it’s the sitting all day) I have to admit that the motivation for exercise is severely lacking.
You see I start of with great intentions. Today for example I was going to do the park run with a friend – but she didn’t text so I just kept that suggestion on the downlow. Now I am lying in bed drinking a full fat latte from Nero; nursing the heartburn that was a consequence of the freshly baked croissant that accompanied said coffee.
People tell me that once I start to exercise it becomes addictive. I find this hard to believe – chocolate, cigarettes and shoes are addictive but exercise? I can see that it makes you feel good and you get a sense of achievement but I can’t imagine it is comparable to biting into a bar of Dairy Milk straight from the fridge…. mind you if I never get started I will never know!
Perhaps I should set some personal achievable goals. Of course today’s goal is to get out of this bed and do the 18 loads of washing. If I have the energy after that and my spine doesn’t feel like it’s on fire I could do a 20 minute jog. But really I would rather sit for 20 mins and drink a brew. Preferably while the kids play quietly in the other room. See I think this might be the crux of the issue – I don’t want to ‘waste’ my 20 mins of down time from the small ones to go for a run. I want 20 minutes for me to relax, drink a hot cuppa or have a quick shower. There are not enough 20 minutes in the day and I don’t want to spend time doing something I know I will initially hate!
(As if to to emphasise my laziness the other half has suddenly dropped to the floor and done 20 push-ups. He is working on his beach body…)
I should be working to be ‘beach body’ ready myself. The prospect of putting this post-2-children body into a bikini is not something I want to think about. Don’t get me wrong it looks alright under clothes but bikinis don’t give you a lot of space to hide. Beside which the bottom half of my legs will never tan. I will do that thing where you only get brown knees and the bar across your feet where your flip flops are. You would think that the bikini thing would push me to tone up this ass – it doesn’t I will just buy a bikini with short bottoms!
So I think this post explains that I am fundamentally lazy! Does anyone have a suggestion as to how I can get myself motivated??
As I write this the house is quiet, kids are in bed, husband at work, the peace is broken only by the rhythmical snores of the two Sausage Dog’s asleep on the sofa. Seriously how can two small dogs snore that loudly? There are never enough hours to sleep according to the Sausages, unless of course I walk towards the kitchen and then there might be some food.
So these are my top 10 reasons for being a Sausage Dog:
1. You are so cute and long looking that despite looking quite hilarious as you waddle along everywhere you someone says ‘awwww look a Sausage’ and they let you lick their face, unaware that you have just finished your second breakfast which consisted of poo.
2. You have stealth like cuddle capabilities, no matter how many times you have been told to get off the couch you still manage to slink your way on to visitors’ lap’s and get them to stroke you before anyone has even noticed.
3. You can sit at the top or the bottom of the stairs and whimper and someone will either carry you up or down depending on your desire, because you have managed to convince them that you are incapable of doing this yourself, which brings us nicely on to…
4. You can fool people into thinking that food left on the dining table is totally out of your reach because you are only 6 inches high – its not however actually true because you are a secret ninja assassin and will climb up using chairs, boxes etc and then whine until someone picks you back up off the table. (You can’t get down because you have demolished an entire cheese and meat selection and resemble a barrel).
5. Your eyes are enough to make the hardest persons heart melt and can persuade your humans to feed you things from the table and to let you come up and sleep on their bed when one of the parents is on a night shift and that makes you feel sad.
6. Your powers of manipulation know no bounds when it comes to wrangling out of a walk in the rain. You know if you hide or refuse to put your harness on for long enough that Mummy will give up and just cuddle up on the sofa with you for another nap.
7. Somehow you manage to convince your human parents that the kennels are an evil place where there is no love for a Sausage, which means you no longer have to go there but get to either travel everywhere with your humans or they will pay exorbitant money to have a lovely Lady come stay in the house and look after you while they are away.
8. Any drink left unattended is yours, by divine right, if its on the floor or a low shelf its fair game. Your favourite pray is Mummy’s tea (that she leaves for half a second to stop Pie putting his wand in his nose again) its perfect drinking temperature…. oooh yummy.
9. You have been blessed with a very long and sleek nose that is perfect for getting into trouble with. You love nothing more than sticking it in the changing bag and stealing ANY item, edible or inedible. Your Dad never learns that this is your favourite trick, and although it makes him unbelievably cross it’s so worth it when you steal his hot pasty out of his bag after a 16 hour day!
10. Finally it has to be your ability to eat everything and anything. You are totally food obsessed and you can break into any bin and gorge on 4 day old bacon with no serious issues. Or your absolute personal favourite – a wet and dirty nappy that you can rip to pieces leaving your human to clean up tiny poo particles!
As you can probably see being a Sausage Dog is a pretty good life, what would you come back as if you got the chance?
Love Pudding’s Mum x