Lost: Me

I am supposed to be finishing my post for one of my favourite linkys’ #ChuckleMums, but I don’t feel much like chuckling this morning. I have been fighting the invisible hand of postnatal depression all weekend again. It’s always there, some days are better and I don’t contemplate legging it from the house with just my car keys for company. But this weekend it’s just sat there like an impenetrable fog. Not helped by being full of cold, which is miserable even at the best of times. I have stuck a brave face on it and carried on with the usual mundane housework, laundry and meeting all of the children’s needs, an outsider would probably not even notice there is anything wrong. But I can feel it bubbling inside me, quietly simmering beneath the surface ready to explode about something (most likely trivial) how it will manifest itself  will depend on who opens the box! If it’s Pie it usually comes out as rage but if it’s my mum or a friend it’s likely to be a flood of tears and a torrent of unintelligible words.Mummy cuddling newborn Pudding

I am hoping that this week might be the start of getting to grips with my feelings after Puddings birth. I have an appointment with Acacia who are a postnatal depression charity that run all sorts of helpful sessions. Looking forward to talking to someone and feeling able to be honest without being judged for not enjoying the kids.  Because it’s not about that, I love them both dearly, I just don’t feel like me anymore. Most days I feel as if I am living through Groundhog Day, I know that raising small children can be quite repetitive and that this is just a fact of life when you are a mother, but it’s definitely a fact I need some help to accept. I don’t know what the sessions at Acacia will be like, that makes me anxious but I hope that they will start to untie this guilty knot that’s still inside me. Things are better than they were a few weeks ago but I don’t think I am quite there yet…

As for the for the #chucklemums post? This is Pudding HQ something is bound to happen before lunchtime that will be worthy of featuring in a funny linky!

Love Pudding’s Mum

Pink Pear Bear
My Random Musings

Hot Cross Pudding

Picture

Today is not a good Pudding day, it may be Easter but the only thing I want is my two front teeth. Mummy says it is far to early for my teeth to be making an appearance, she even went so far as to say I am a drama queen. Well tell me this then mother dearest why is it that I am all dribbly and I keep trying to chew my own fingers off? Yes I know you have had a look in my mouth and you say you can’t see any signs of redness, or even the remotest sign that there are teeth, but I assure you they are on there way. No I don’t have a temperature, although I am trying my best to get one by screaming myself hoarse and getting all sweaty and irritable. Where did this rule come from about no temperature, no Calpol??

Plus, I heard you talking with Daddy this morning about moving me into Pie’s bedroom into my cot. What is this rubbish you are speaking of? I may have slept through the night all week but that is no reason to ship me out to listen to him snore all night like a freight train. I am not fooled by your campaign to make me have my naps in my ‘big girl cot’ either. Have you not read the literature about me sleeping in your room until I am 6 months? I won’t stand for it, being just across the landing will not cut it, even though you can see me from your bed, its just not on, you can try it but I will have my revenge on you at 3am. Let me also take this moment to say that should you decide to also stop swaddling me I will sing the song of my people so loud that even the neighbours will be begging you to wrap me up like a sausage roll.

I tell you its a good job we are off to Nana’s tomorrow, she would never allow me to be this upset and there is no way she will banish me to sleep with Pie… Nana knows how to treat her little Pudding, she will cuddle me all day without making rubbish excuses like ‘hold on Pudding, I need the loo’. She will also believe me when I say my teeth hurt and I am pretty sure the ‘no temperature, no Calpol’ rule doesn’t apply to Nana’s either…