Admitting You’re Not as OK as You Make Out – PND

We all know that being a parent is not an easy job, we all have good days and bad days. But what do you do when you start to feel like the bad days are outnumbering the good ones at 10:1? It’s not an easy thing to admit that at the moment you are not enjoying being a parent. I know I have been there. Here is my first post about my battle with PND

When Pudding was born before Christmas, I was elated at last the pregnancy was over. I had survived the elective c-section (a real concern of mine) and I was finally cradling my beautiful girl in my arms. I fell in love immediately. Totally head over heels for this tiny Pudding as soon as they laid her on my chest in the operating theatre. Taking her home and enjoying our first Xmas as a family of four surrounded by proud grandparents was wonderful. Then the festivities were over and everyone returned to work leaving me to deal with having two small children.

Let me tell you reality hit home hard. I was so tired and still recovering from major surgery, but Pie didn’t really understand that. He wanted his Mummy back to do all the things we used to do. Not to mention Pudding who needed feeding and changing as an almost constant. I could feel all my patience for the children start to slide away from me slowly. I was irritable and snappy all the time. Everyday started to feel like ground hog day, get up, breakfast, activity, lunch, film, tea, bath, bed. Over and over like a monkey with a miniature cymbal. Feeling myself slipping away. I had become a drudge for two small children and there was no light at the end of the tunnel.

I started to dream about just getting in the car and driving as far away as the petrol in the tank would take me. Wanting to run away from my life. How could I have been so deluded to think that I could handle two children? I wasn’t cut out for this motherhood thing. As my mood got lower, my relationship with Pie really started to suffer. He was my constant source of irritation. I found myself nagging and niggling at everything he did and said. I knew I was being unreasonable but I just couldn’t stop. All I kept thinking was that if he could just calm down and be quiet I would feel better…Lady sitting cross legged on floor

Everything came to a head one night, as my husband and I climbed into bed and prepared to dream feed Pudding. I had made the decision to give her some formula in a vague attempt to get a bit more sleep. So I settled back into the pillows to feed. As I tipped the bottle I realised I hadn’t put it together properly. Milk went all over me, all over her and all over the bed. This resulted in what I can only describe as a ticking time bomb going off!

I plonked Pudding on her Dad, announced I was a rubbish mother and that it was no surprise the children hated me and then ran from the bedroom sobbing. I think that was a pretty big red flag to my husband that I was probably not as ‘OK’ as I kept telling him I was! After sorting out a very cross Pudding he found me sitting outside in the rain in my dressing gown. We talked about how I was really feeling, about how I spent a lot of the day sobbing or just walking about in a daze. He was great and he made me realise that all the things I was feeling were not normal. That maybe I needed to actually get some help.

The next morning, I rang first my Mum, who did some long distance counselling. Just talking to her and my husband made me start to feel better. Then I called my health visitor, she was amazing! She came round that afternoon and spent an hour talking to me about how I was feeling. Explaining that postnatal depression can strike at any time within the first 12 months and that it was nothing to feel ashamed about. Some of the guilt I had been dragging around with me started to lift.

The HV suggested that if I thought it would help that I could stop the breastfeeding. This would at least give me the opportunity for a break away from the children if I wanted a break. She also suggested a local talking therapy group and said she could arrange for someone to come in and watch the kids for awhile if I needed some extra help. She was so helpful and understanding. I had felt like such a fraud ringing her, but she made me realise that I had done the right thing. I chose not to go down the route of medications before I had accessed the talking therapy and actually now I feel like I won’t need to start taking any tablets.

Things have really started to improve, and I am finding that the blogging definitely helps me to express some of the things I am feeling. I am trying to lose that guilt that I am not doing a good job. I know I am never going to get it perfect every time. At least now I am starting to enjoy both the children. I have a great load of support from friends and family now I have admitted that I need some help and that I am no superwoman. I am so glad that I reached out when I did and didn’t let PND consume me.


Photo Credit: Al 8574 via Compfight cc

31 thoughts on “Admitting You’re Not as OK as You Make Out – PND”

  1. Thanks so much for sharing this! I’m 6 months into my 2 babies, and definitely have days like this. Thanks for making it not something to be embarrassed about. I don’t have an HV (I suspect we’re not in the same country), but help is probably the answer!

  2. Glad to read that you managed to make it through and start to feel better. Having two young kids must be a challenge.

  3. I have a tear forming in my eye. I have suffered from depression on and off most of my life and can understand to a degree how you feel. I’m happy to read that you asked for help. A lot of women seem to be too afraid to do so. #triballove

  4. This is such a fantastic post, and I’m so happy that you shared it. Well done for reaching out and looking for (and accepting!) that help. It was something I never let myself do, and looking back now I can see how wrong I was. You were braver than me! I hope things continue to improve, and I’m confident you’re doing a fantastic job as a mum – you cared enough about yourself and your kids to take those steps towards getting better and that says it all 🙂

  5. So much of this resonates with me, especially the part about finding Pie quite irritating, gulp. Opening the communication avenues is key and such a crucial step – I’m glad you’re feeling a little more like yourself and it’s fantastic that writing is helping you. Where would we be without your blog too!

    1. Thanks for your lovely comment. Your recent post about PND really struck a chord with me too. Its so common and the more awareness we can raise the more people we can help x

  6. Thanks for sharing this – I think a lot of us want people to think that we’re okay, especially in those early days, even when we’re not. When I think back to it now, I really struggled in that first year and didn’t admit how hard it was. Things might have been easier if I’d been willing to get help.

    1. I agree with you, I think everyone kind of expects you to be happy or at least ok with our new addition and new life but sometimes its not always that straightforward. You have done a fantastic job with the Popple, even if at times you have felt it was a struggle x

  7. Thank you! Your story is so similar to my own. It’s a hard frigging job and pnd makes it so much harder. I’m slowly getting better but if I let my self care slip as I have lately it doesn’t take long to spiral. I think it’s so important we share these stories. We aren’t alone, even if it sometimes feels lol we are

  8. I love this post – so honest it made me well up. I really think breastfeeding made my first year with the Child hard. She would never take a bottle so I felt like there was no escape. Your HV sounds like she was fab and it’s nice to know there is help if and when you need it. #EatSleepBlogRT

  9. Thank you for sharing such an honest post. I experienced PND after having my daughter and it was such a dark, lonely time. It’s so important that more people come out and talk about it so the stigma can be broken. #EatSleepBlogRT

  10. Thanks for sharing this, I feel like more Moms should do the same. The moms I know that have suffered PND seem ashamed when they admit it. If more people came forward to speak, maybe some of those silent sufferers might step forward. Welldone 🙂

  11. Ooh just realised I’ve commented on this before! Fab post and glad that blogging has helped. I was lucky not to suffer with PND, but I still felt like I’d been knocked for six after Piglet was born, and I could definitely see how people could feel that way. #eatsleepblogRT

  12. oh honey this had me so emotional, I felt so lost when I had to take Aspen home, we had had no sleep in the hospital due to feeding issues and Aspen just screamed all the time unless she was on the breast and I was exhausted, confused and felt like I was failing her and myself. I was luckily booked straight back into hospital in a Mother Baby Ward where I could get support which helped me so much. I look back at that time and thank God I got help. My sister had post natal depression and it was so sad to see her go through it. It is so tough being a mum especially to a newborn. So glad you got help and thank you for raising awareness #EatSleepBlogRT

  13. Great post and so important to share stories such as this. I had PND with all five of mine, it actually became so bad that it developed into a series of mental health issues and landed me in hospital for three months very poorly indeed. I still take antidepressants every day, twelve years after my first bout of PND and it still impacts on our lives from time to time. I’m always very honest about that and how actually, being a Mummy isn’t always easy. #eatsleepblogRT

  14. Your story is very similar to mine in terms of elective c section and PND. I’m glad things have started to settle for you. Be kind to yourself and take each day as it comes. #eatsleepblogrt

  15. This is such a good post to show people it’s okay to talk about PND and mental health issues in general. It’s so good that you have a supportive family and partner and the HV sounds fantastic which isn’t always the case. Really hope the talking therapy is helping. I have had CBT before and I think I have also mentioned to you before that I came across mindfulness after having PND with my first. Take care. xx #eatsleepblogRT

  16. Glad to hear you’re feeling better, it’s really important that you shared this. I feel so lucky I’ve not experienced PND because I don’t think I’d have handled it half as well as the other amazing mums who share their story. It’s so important to continue talking about it because I imagine it’s really hard to recognise when you’re in it. Keeping the conversation going can only help people realise they might need help.


  17. I had it with my first daughter… and then anxiety, OCD and eventually depression IN regnancy with my second. Truly the worst point in my life. To not enjoy the period of my life I had looked most forward to broke my heart. Ironically I had nothing with the twins- who were my third and fourth. The stress was a million times worse, I went from two to four kids and had babies in TWO seperate hospitals- oh it was also the final weeks of school and I was pumping around the clock.

    Anti depressants have probably saved me more than once since the child bearing years have begun…


  18. Huge well done for sharing this post. I experienced quite severe PND and anxiety and it’s the most difficult thing I’ve ever been through. I now blog a lot about it because it helps me to process what happened and hopefully helps others to read it. Very well done for sharing and I’m glad you are beginning to feel better xx #eatsleepblogRT

  19. Thank you so mcuh for posting this. The more we highlight the warning signs the more people can spot if something’s not right, no mama should have to pretend things are ok, after the baby women are often at their physically and mentally weakest, support is essential. #eatsleepblogrt

  20. This is a great post! So many moms experience this and are to scared to say anything. In my opinion. The more posts there are about it, the better! We need to create more awareness. #eatsleepblogrt

  21. It is a very brave thing to reach out and accept you need help. It sounds like you’ve had a great support network around you to help you too which is lovely and so important. #eatsleepblogrt

  22. Oh hun, I read this and I just felt so overwhelmed with sadness for you. Looking after two small children every day is not easy. Its exhausting and its constant and not for the faint hearted I’ve realised 5 months in. It is hard and there are definitely moments when I feel like I need a break and wish everyone would just leave me alone. Those moments are fleeting, but they are there every now and then so I can completely relate to your post in may ways. Its great that you’ve gotten the help you need, talking therapies are so helpful so its great that these have really helped you to feel more happy and more yourself. Emily x

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